Love Isn’t Enough But It’s All You Have

love_isn't_enough

What attracted you to your alcoholic?

Personality, physical characteristics or how he treated you more than likely among other things.

What’s happened and where have the feelings gone?

The love you had may not be the same as it was earlier but if you look close you may still find it.

You love your alcoholic

How do I know you love your alcoholic?

Well, it’s quite simple.

All of the things you do to keep the relationship from ending isn’t because you you are apathetic about your alcoholic.

Love often takes on a very different look when your married to or live with an alcholic.

You could call it compensation for the alcoholic behaviors.

It’s up to you to step in and make things okay when they obviously aren’t.

You don’t do this because you have to but rather because you love him.

It’s important to do what needs to be done to keep the relationship, right?

I would like to believe it’s the right thing to do.

There’s a catch…

When what you’re doing becomes unloving because it results in enabling his alcoholic behaviors, it no longer works for either of you.

There must be a better way to show your love for your alcoholic.

Your alcoholic Loves Alcohol

Maybe it wasn’t true in the early days of your relationship, but it’s more clear today, your alcoholic loves alcohol.

You might be surprised I relate it to a love relationship to alcohol.

It is as though your alcoholic has a mistress…alcohol.

It takes his time, money and attention. When alcohol’s around you’re a third wheel.

You’ve heard three’s a crowd. How many times have you felt like the third wheel when your alcoholic starts to drink?

The more your alcoholic uses the more you feel betrayed.

You’re left feeling Unloved

I wouldn’t attribute intention to your alcoholic’s behavior.

However, the end result is the same…

You feel unloved.

You generally think of love as being a two way street.

You give love and it’s supposed to be returned.

I think it’s only normal to want the person you love to give love back.

When it comes to your alcoholic, I’m not sure giving love back is an option when alcohol’s involved.

The divided heart will be committed to one of the two of you, not both.

When you feel unloved it’s not because he doesn’t love you it’s more like he can’t because of the illness of alcoholism.

Unconditional Love

There’s one kind of love you can give your alcoholic regardless of what he chooses to do.

Unconditional love…no strings attached.

When your love is given without any expectation of it being returned, you’ve given unconditional love.

You may find it hard to love without expectations.

Welcome to the club.

This is probably the purest love because you’ve taken away all of the strings.

Think of it this way. If you give a gift to get a gift how meaningful is the gift?

When you give a gift because you do it cheerfully expecting nothing in return, how much better does it feel?

Your alcoholic has an illness. No doubt the kindest and most heartfelt love you could give him is to be unconditional with your love.

I’m not telling you to take on his responsibilities or ignore what truth is.

I suggest unconditional love begins to love your alcoholic for the person he is not for the behaviors influenced by the illness.

After all love is really all you have to give, right?

In what ways have you been unconditional in your love to your alcoholic? Share with us in the comment section below.




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Here’s What 16 Other People Thought...

  1. Robin

    I love this article this is how I have finally begun to roll. And unless your name is JESUS it is gonna be hard to do not impossible. When I learned not to take his disease personal and prayed I learn to love him like I should I began to get it. and expecting anything like it in return will doom you to fail. no matter where Derek lands in his cycle I love him with no expectations. he does what he can and he has no more than that. Alcohol doesn’t care or share. I have a life that includes him now and routine works for a degree of stability these days even a hint of stability is a blessing. what we do and how we do it will only work for us I know this now we have become two pieces of a puzzle that only really fit each other anymore. Basically I focus on getting him to eat sleep and not drive while drinking . He can not be trusted cause he lies. He has a slush fund so his next buzz is waiting but the bills get paid first and that includes gasoline and groceries. a modest savings and we are good to go.I used to fuss with him to get out do more …..today I am please be still and sleep it off again. I don’t bother him for anything I can do myself. he wins every argument he cares to start because that ends it faster. He has access to accounts but carries none of the cards he lives with just one card in his pocket and ID. a debit card separate from our checking and only his own slush fund on it. nothing else has worked not carrying cash not carrying his checking debit. I even tried money orders at one time but they were free at the time. It is allot of trouble to go through But I still believe he is worth the effort.I only risk me in this and I can put up with allot. The limited social circle the tension in family gatherings the fight to drive for him.The tight budgeting and the not bathing regular bad breath and body odor. Its all or nothing. Celibacy was the hardest to overcome but even that won’t kill you.Lives that come full circle will land there sometimes.we are 51 and 56 .It is on us early.thanks for the vent Robin

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Love for someone doesn’t change them, especially an alcoholic. The adjustments you’ve made at significant personal sacrifice says a lot about how much you care for him. Some would say you don’t care enough about yourself… I think being true to who you are and what you value is extremely important.

      Thanks for your comment, Robin.

    • KAT

      you fell in love with him, grew together ,it stand to reason you will care for him, but you still need to find some robin time, and u still need help i am proud of you for sticking with it, it is hard to start over when we are so on in age but not impossible, the getting dry i believe is the hardest task we have, it would sometimes be easier i i just let rod drink and be happy in it ,for like you, i have a n arguer and have to let him win, because trying to reason with them has a no win solution, but then there is all the good times i bring to memories, and they are worth it all, i think when i stand before God i can say to him, I did it and he will say job well done , that would be heaven to me

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Thanks, Kat

  2. Marina

    I did love my alcoholic. Dennis passed away, now I wouldn’t be able to give uncondional love. He tried to stop but just couldn’t. He loved his beer more than me, this is so hard to accept. I will miss him very much.
    I just want to thank you for all the articles and to all the members who made comments. I learned alot for all of you. Thank you and God bless everyone.
    Marina

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Marina, I’m sure you loved Dennis. His illness no doubt prevented him from returning the love you wanted from him. All too often alcoholism ends in death rather than recovery. You’re welcome and thank you for all of your comments.

    • KAT

      Prayers with you Marina, I am sure God interviened, you are not to blame, maybe now you can be a witness as to what happened and help others by telling your story

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Thanks for your support of Marina. We hope feels the support of FMA and our regulars.

  3. Sad

    Unconditional love can go many ways. When it is give to another, it is good. When it is given to the self that too is good. Although we as people determine how much to give and how far to go with things, we also have to determine how much we are willing to go through. Life and health/wellbeing is precious too. So sadly for me, even though I have loved my alcoholic husband he has physically,emotionally,… hurt me. Regardless of the alcohol or disease as some call it, he has chosen to injure me several times. So although I cannot be with him, I can love what I knew him to be before the alcohol.

    Marina Iam sorry for your loss and pain. I see my husband following similar road.
    You must have great strength and love and many can learn from you. Your husband is no longer suffering. The world can be experienced anew for you. Best Wishes.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Of course, personal safety and a zero tolerance for violence is first and foremost. Each person has to do what is in their own best interest. At times it may be loving from a distance.

      Thank you for your support of Marina.

  4. KAT

    You can have unconditional love, this love explained is what you give a dog, you know he cannot give you anything but you love him anyways, the reward is he loves you back and no questions ask he loves you no matter what you do
    this articular is terrific, well said and placed , when you give a gift do you expected something back? you shouldn’t so when u care for your husband should you get something back or expect it, no, there is a two way street your emotion and his, are we to relay on emotions because a movie or romance book says this is how it is or suppose to be, , you can be happy in yourself ,but first you have to find yourself then you can help your husbands illness , yes i do believe knowing JESUS Christ AND LETTING CERTAIN CHRISTIANS KNOW ABOUT YOUR SITUATION CAN HELP AND I KNOW Christ WILL , a lot of times as your husband gets on the wagon for healing will blame his partner for his trials , DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL, REMIND HIM HE IS HAVING A BAD DAY AND TO CHILL AND NOT BLAME HIS WIFE

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      When you have people of faith who will listen without judgment it’s a blessing.

  5. Hershla

    Marina, you have my condolence. I pray that the good memories will be a blessing and that you can give the bad ones a proper goodby. May you be blessed with joy and a new hope for your life. I am on the long road with my Barry,but the truth is I think I love my dogs much more. They are not alcoholics,pay me more attention, eat regularly,don’t cuss and call me stupid and so much more that my finger would go numb if I listed all their attributes. They do have an addiction!!! One I can approve of. DOG TREATS. If it were not for God giving me and letting me keep a sence of humor I would still be under treatment for Major Depression. God has also blessed me with Free My Addict. I prayed one night that he would find me a place where I could vent and be a blessing to others like myself. I got on Google two nights straight and didn’t find anything that fit me but on the third night I felt like God was saying look again. I did because I was bored and sure enough I was led to this site and to these articles . I act like I have a new boyfriend because I can’t wait until I get that next email. Thanks to everyone evolved.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Thanks for your comment and support of Marina.

  6. Donna

    It took me a while to learn the website and how to send a comment.
    I am 67 yrs old, attractive for my age, and don’tlook my age I am always being told. I have been with my alcoholic husband since I was 15 & he was 17, high school sweethearts. I now see he was an alcoholic then. I was in love with him at first site. We married 4 years after dating. He did go to college, I helped pay, by working. He went from a factory job to a sale job and high up the ladder. We were living the American dream. I was his corporate wife, entertaining his clients in our home & out socially. That was our only social life his clients. I was very good at my job, made him look good knew the business and went to college in my 30’s and was extremely well read.
    The more money and power my husband had the less he was home, he always had to travel. It was hard with 2 kids and lonely, but I was happy for family and home. I had neither as a child.
    Short version, at 58, ater several rehab trials and on that lasted 25 years, I found out he stayed sober 25 years, but used women and sex as his drug of choice and porn. He gave me an std. I was heart broken, not that he had cheated, but that it had been with 200 women, he was taking Viagra and I did not know, buying large quantities and selling them to his friends to stupport his use of them. He gave me many material things, he treated me kind and was sure he pleased me sexually, expecially before he left to go out of town. I thought he might have occasionally had an affair. But 200 women and not to alway have safe sex in the world of aids. I now have precancerous cervical leisons and have to go to an oncologist gynocologist every 3 months. I feel like I am waiting on cancer.
    I left him 9 years ago. I dated a couple years after I left, it was not good. I think of him every day first thing when I awake, last thing when I close my eyes at night. He has been drinking for the last 11 years he hid it from me before I left. I think, I have cried everyday for 10 years. I have had counseling for 10 years. He has been in rehab 4 or 5 times in 10 years. He enables our daughter , 45 who is an alcoholic and drug addict. I have been suicidal, I have gone back for 1 year, I have tried meetings, He finally got to the point where he slapped me on 2 occassions while drunk. I was horrified. We have only seperated not divorced ther e is considerable money ivolved and I refuse to give it up and he does not want to either because we live on our interest. We have 2 children and was once a close family as close as an alcoholic family can be. We have not close relatives alive.
    I feel unable to make sense of the world around him and his daily drinking. He has an escape, I don’t. I feel I am dying inside, or already dead. No grandchildren or will there be. I cannot find a way out of this man always in my mind and yet I cannot be with him. How doI just let go?

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      It appears you’re both in love with the same person…your alcoholic. Your dilemma is in weighing out sanity or security. A question I would ask, do you feel like you’re making progress in counseling? If therapy is at a stand still you can set some new goals. When you’ve been through what you’ve experienced the journey is filled with ups and downs. The goal is to move forward past the hurt. I hope FreeMyAddict inspires you to do that.

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