Communication, Forgivensess, Rehab and Your Alcoholic

questions-answered

Do you remember being around children who were around 5 years old? They would ask so many questions.

I love how they cut to the chase and just ask what’s on their mind.

They often ask questions that are most profound.

The curious part is they expect us to give the answer, as though older means wiser.

There are questions that arise in a relationship with your alcoholic.

They appear simple but they are pervasive in the day to day experience.

Here’s our best answers to three of those common questions.

How am I to have communication when my alcoholic’s passed out drunk?

When you alcoholic is drunk, there’s no point in trying to hold a conversation.

There’s a good likelihood your alcoholic won’t remember what was said.

Promises made under the influence aren’t worth anything.

I’ve known alcoholics who while drunk, got married; sold almost new motorcycles; and even sold their home.

I know they were ultimately responsible for what they did, but when they came out of the drunken stupor they realized what they had done.

Do you think it’s a good time to have a meaningful conversation when your alcoholic’s drunk?

Eventually, a time will come when your alcoholic sobers up and they begin to realize what they’ve done.

My recommendation has always been to have important conversations with your alcoholic when they are sober.

I know you may have a hard time finding a time when your alcoholic is totally sober.

When you decide to have an important conversation and your partner isn’t sober don’t expect a good outcome.

It’s like making the decision on your own. Well, why not make it on your own then, if your unable to wait until your alcoholic’s sober?

How can I find forgiveness for what my alcoholic’s done?

The key here is to remember forgiveness isn’t about your alcoholic.

It’s about you.

I’m sure there are many hurtful things that happen almost every day.

You want things to be different but they aren’t; and unless you or your alcoholic does something different they’ll not change.

Your expectations are shattered and your hurt emotionally if not physically.

How easy it is to become angry and bitter over the relationship.

Everything points to your alcohol and the behaviors surrounding him drinking and being passed out drunk.

Forgiveness is about you finding the strength and resolve to release your anger and resentment toward your alcoholic.

When you find forgiveness toward your alcoholic it doesn’t mean you like or even accept what’s been done.

It means you’ve decided not to hold onto it. You make an intentional effort to put his behaviors squarely on his shoulders.

It’s not with blame, it recognizing who’s responsible and leave it at that.

When forgiveness is attained you’re released from the responsibility, shame or guilt regarding your alcoholics behavior.

You’re free to be you.

How do I get my alcoholic into rehab

The key in this question is ‘how do I’.

The truth is you can’t get your alcoholic into rehab.

You can decide what you’re willing to tolerate and where your bottom line is.

When you establish a boundary and keep it there are consequences when your alcoholic violates the boundary.

An alcoholic will only decide to enter rehab when they determine using isn’t worth it any longer.

Some alcoholics lose a little and some lose most everything.

Addiction to alcohol is insidious and demands all the alcoholic is willing to give.

Your part is to recognize it’s your alcoholic’s choice.

You have another set of choices. Where do you draw the line?

When you communicate to your alcoholic, during a sober time what your bottom line is and extend forgiveness, you’ve done all you can do.

In what ways have these questions been part of your experience. Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.




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Here’s What 14 Other People Thought...

  1. kat

    I thank the Lord that after my husbands first encounter with jail he stopped, he didn’t realize he was out of control until the police arrested him end marched him into court, Rod is a really nice guy, but because of job loss and economy loss, he went to drinking , he has been clean and drink free since June 16Th, he knows the drink was controlling him he is in AA, he has been around the drink and has not touched it, he doesn’t want it to control him, He speaks to me openly about how he feels he looks and feels better , he told his family that wouldn’t except it he has been an alcy for 40 years , a mild drinker that lead to a crash , he openly tells others where before he denied he was an alcy,he does not appear to be strongly for it, I thank God we were in church before he crashed because God has open his eyes to it, I am LUCKY WOMAN , i HAVE A HUSBAND THAT REALLY REALLY LOVES ME AND WANTS US TO GROW TOGETHER

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Isn’t it amazing how being carted off to jail changes how your alcoholic looks at his problem? If he keeps that thought fresh in his mind it can be a great motivator to stay clean and sober.

  2. Dee

    I am about to declare our home a nonsmoking nonalcohol zone when my husband comes home from having a total hip replacement and he is totally dependent upon me for basic needs. It’s the perfect time for me to have a little intervention with him, declare my boundaries and for him to dry out while he is on the pain meds. I realize he may not accept this enforced “rehab program,” but I am going to make it clear that if he wants to be with me, this is how it’s going to be. Yes, it feels a little devious, but if it works I’ll have my husband back. If it doesn’t work, I’m done with watching him ruin himself with his addictions.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Go for it Dee, I think the circumstances are in your favor. You’ll need to hang tough to keep the boundaries you set up. I’m sure you can. Here’s to your success!

    • kat

      I have to say Dee I too tried this , and found it made things worse, Rod started hating me, he said I was controlling him when I was protecting him, there is another tactic I used , I ask him to not drink if he would if front of me, I ask him to drink outside, because it smelt bad to me, but all in all , they have to come with their own terms, I am praying for you, because unless they want to stop ,they will not and sometimes it takes something drastic to wake them up , I gave it to God and He came threw for me,

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Thanks for your support of Dee.

  3. Ross

    There have been times that ive not known wht the proper consequences to a certain behavior should be, throughout my experiences with my alcoholic.Being dependent on him, certainly has had alot of drawbacks, especially when he dangles loss of finances over my head.its hard to like someone who could do such a thing to keep a drink and try to control me.As you can see, i need alot of help.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Even if it’s difficult I recommend discovering ways you can become more self reliant. Review your skills and what you love to do. Then find a way to earn money with it. This is a strong deterrent to the threat of taking income away. In many cases if the husband is an active alcoholic the woman is entitled to more than half of the assets. I wonder if he’s thought about that one.

      • Ross

        Thanks for responding. There are times , it’s like a lifeline, to hear from someone levelheaded.I’m grateful for the interaction.Bless you.

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        That’s why we’re here Ross. Thank you for being part of our site.

  4. KayTee

    I envy people who’s addict is affected by things like jail and negative consequences. My husband seems to crave them just as much as the alcohol itself. His DUI was the cops fault. His probation violations are the state’s fault, etc. The questions don’t help, because unlike a lot of addicts, he is honest. “Im probably just going to keep choosing alcohol. I can’t tell you I won’t that’s setting myself up for a lie in the future.”

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      KayTee, when it comes right down to it your husband wants to drink regardless. If it weren’t someone else to blame he’d have to face his addiction to alcohol. He’s not ready to do that. The consequences will continue to ratchet up until it’s no longer worth it.
      I’m sure at some point he’ll resort to lies whether intentional or not. Denial of the illness almost forces untruth to maintain the addiction. Thanks for sharing.

  5. Excellent advice in your article. As an adult who grew up with an alcoholic I have a clear picture of how alcoholism shapes the lives of those around the addict. Hopefully the knowledge that others are being harmed around them will help motivate the alcoholic to quit.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      I’ve known of alcoholic’s who finally realized they were losing their family and it pushed them toward recovery while others went further into the bottle. Some in fact lose everything, even their own life.
      You’ve realized the impact an addict has had on your life and have made adjustments. This is the hope I believe of every spouse of an alcoholic that their children grow up, make adjustments to the alcoholic behaviors and make a good life for themselves.
      Thanks for your comment.

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