Bye Codependency, Save Your Marriage

What’s the biggest fear in codependency?

Is it maybe your alcoholic will drink again? Probably not because you know it’s likely to happen.

Could it be that you’re needed and if your alcoholic quits maybe he or she won’t need you as much.

This one’s hard to admit if unless you really understand what all’s happening in and around your relationship.

I really believe the biggest fear in codependency is that you’ll lose the relationship with your alcoholic.

That fear drives most if not all of the decisions surrounding to stay or leave as well as most other day to day decisions.

Let me share with you why I believe this fear is irrational.

What relationship?

Your alcoholic has developed a relationship with alcohol.

It takes the priority of his/her time attention and resources.

I don’t suggest this is intentional, it’s not. This is about addiction to alcohol.

You take a second place to your alcoholic’s need to use.

He/She will leave

In essence what I’m suggesting in many ways your alcoholic has already left the more meaningful aspects of your relationship.

I’m sure there are moments in time when your alcoholic’s sober it seems like things may be okay.

Then the drinking happens again or you catch him/her in a lie that exposes just how addicted to alcohol your alcoholic really is.

Can’t make it alone

I do understand financial issues may keep you somewhat dependent on the relationship.

In so many ways you are already handling the responsibilities of the relationship including how you’ll make it from day to day and week to week.

Sometimes I’m amazed when it’s all added up how much the alcoholic takes from the family budget because of the addiction.

If you really want an eye opener…

Begin totaling up what is actually being spent on the booze, the fines and tickets and the damage to personal property etc.

You’ll be surprised.

YOU ALREADY MAKE IT WORK in spite of all of this.

Let fear go

It’s time for you to let fear of losing the relationship go.

You may have lost as much of the relationship as you’re going to (unless he leaves).

You have abilities to cope and to be adaptive.

These same skills are what you use to banish your fear of losing the relationship with your alcoholic.

In what ways have you put away the fear of losing the relationship with your alcoholic? Tell us in the comment section below.


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Here’s What 6 Other People Thought...

  1. Sandra

    I needed to hear this today! My marriage of 32 years has finally succumbed to this disease. It’s heart-breaking. I am working on my own recovery. I finally accepted I can’t save him. I’m not willing to martyr myself to this disease. I have detached with love, and I pray for him everyday. I grieve the relationship, and our lost dreams. I go to meetings to support others and be supported. Thank you for this service!

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Most important is for you to find ways to be okay. The illness of alcoholism is cruel and destroys most of what’s in it’s path. I trust your recovery will be strong and your husband will find recovery.

  2. kat

    For one, I am not a quitter, two for better or worse, three, love them till you die,
    three grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, now given if he or she is an abusive person leave them that does not stop or until they get tons of counseling, I will say this Jesus Christ can change them but they have to make the effort, because if there is not effort, then it will not work it will pull you down, depending on your age you may just want to wait them out, or hope for the best, it’s up to the Individual, I will say this, no one has to stay trapped, if you’re a house wife that has not worked, there are plenty of free programs even housing to get you out of the situation , go to your local up office or welfare office for the programs, cani pays for heat and light bills for each yr, food stamps to eat and maybe you can file for early retirement on ss i, I do know God Our Lord will make a way both ways, I also Know they are sick , and how do we care for a sick child we nurse them, love love love is a big hold , if u argue or fight no one wins , it’s not about losing and winning its about sacrifice

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      So many times I’ve seen people get out of a relationship with an alcoholic and go right back into another one. The grass isn’t greener it’s just different grass.
      Thanks for your comment

    • KJ

      Kat, thanks for the post. Where I am conflicted though is to love him for better or worse. We are not married, but I am a very devoted person and also try my hardest to make things work. So, it seems that you insinuating that you should stay regardless, but what about your happiness? We met for coffee this morning and I let him know that I was upset that he stayed out late the night before and got drunk. He then replied with, ‘asking you to meet for coffee this morning was a mistake.’ That was hurtful and I get comments like that all of the time if I get upset with him for drinking. So, do I just not say anything about his drinking and go on like it never happened?

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Speak the truth to your alcoholic, don’t hide. Your happiness needs to not be dependent on whether he gets sober or not. 1 om 4 alcoholics find recovery. 3 in 4 stay in some level of the addiction. Stay or leave is a tough question and each must make their own decision. Thanks for your comments.

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