5 Tips If You Live with an Alcoholic


Living with an alcoholic presents many challenges. It may best be described as a high stress situation. The only problem is the stress is infrequently relieved. The result of this ongoing stress is an adaptation to dysfunctional ways of behaving. Here are a few tips to help you cope.

  1. The drinking is not about you
    • Probably the most important point of all is to realize the problem is not yours. Even if a person in your family declares they drink because of you. It is simply NOT true. The reason alcoholics use is because they are addicted to the booze.
    • There are plenty of excuses used to justify using. There is no truth in blaming others for consuming alcohol or becoming out of control. It is the responsibility of the person using and them alone.

  2. It isn’t possible for you to make anyone outside of yourself stop using
    • It’s possible for YOU to quit using alcohol, but to expect someone else to stop using because you ask them to is irrational, especially if they are addicted.
    • Threats, promises, coercion or other methods of getting an alcoholic to behave the way you want are useless. It can become a pattern of behavior resulting in repeated disappointment, emotional pain and breakdown in whatever trust may still exist in the relationship.

  3. Stop enabling
    • Enabling‘s where you cover for someone’s behavior. Calling in sick for your family member when they are hung-over, making excuses for broken items such as furniture or personal items, or excusing the amount of drinking as he or she is a hard worker and deserves to have a few.
  4. Work on understanding yourself
    • It’s essential for you to begin understanding yourself. What are the reasons you tolerate the pain in this relationship? It’s important to begin to like yourself in spite of the situation you are in at the moment.
    • It may be easier to believe your happiness comes from someone else, but in reality it has to come from inside yourself. Take some time to get to know you. Try finding positive things you and spend time giving yourself credit for the things you do well.
  5. Be honest with yourself and others
    • Recognize it’s easier to think others make you feel the way you do than to take responsibility for how you think feel or behave. It’s a giant step in the right direction to take full responsibility for your self. Leave others choices to them.
    • Hiding the truth from others creates distortions. You end feeling pressured to live a lie with people who can provide significant support to you on your journey.

Be sure these tips will help you as you begin to use them. Spend some time using each of them. If you need help to work on these issues you might be interested in getting to an Al-Anon meeting, join us in Community Connect or sign up for a session with one of our FMA Coach.

How you’ve taken charge of your situation? Let us know in the comment section below.


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Here’s What 58 Other People Thought...

  1. Sue Mullane

    These tips were really helpful.. I spend a lot of time believing that his drinking is my fault because that is what I am constantly told.
    You start to question yourself and your own behaviour.
    Thank you, it is a relief to share the problem

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Sue, thanks for your comment. We’re here for you to share.

  2. Viki

    Feeling frustrated today, and really struggling with number 4. I try to do things I enjoy, but it can be so difficult. I just returned from a two-week vacation with my 81-year-old mother and one of my adult daughters. I thought things were on a relatively even keel. However, upon returning I find him with a black eye and swollen jaw, along with a lie about how he got them. He had only been drinking beer before I left, but started on the hard stuff the minute I was out the door. He went to a local bar (he was arrested in May for disorderly conduct in a local college area he has been banned for life from) and apparently smarted off to the wrong guy this time. He also spent $300 that was supposed to go on an equipment payment. The payment bounced. Rather than venting on what else happened in my absence, which by the way feels real good, I’d like to know how I’m supposed to enjoy myself when I never know what will happen when I’m gone. I’m really ready to throw in the towel.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      It sounds to me like there might be a pattern of behavior present with your alcoholic. You’re not entirely surprised there’s been difficulty and it had to do with his alcoholic behaviors. It’s really only when you expect something that’s not likely to happen that you get let down. It doesn’t make any sense to expect a turkey is going to soar like an eagle. After all… it’s a turkey.

      Your alcoholic behaves like an alcoholic.

      Thanks for your comment.

      • Viki

        So I need to have no positive expectations so I won’t be disappointed?

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        It means you need to keep in mind what your alcoholic is capable of fulfilling with his illness. That’s all. Sometimes it’ll be positive other times not.
        When he reaches out toward recovery there may be more positives mingled among the negative.

    • kat

      Vicki I know what you mean, I can leave and when i come back i find he has been drinking and mixing and spending, rod was arrested for choking me which is a criminal offence , he has to go to court, i could if i wanted to get him off because i used to date the prosecuting attorney, but I AM NOT GOING TO GET HIM OFF, AS THE pattern states he did it he can fix it, if we keep baling them out they will keep getting into trouble, I love Rod and its hard , but he has to grow up and show responsibility for his action, the thing is i am pulled into it, so i let him see my embarrassment , and hurt ,i don’t nag anymore, its his problem, but of he keeps doing it he can get himself out , I’ll stand by , the thing is it does effect us, but i look at like this if i was sick rod would help me

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Sometimes it takes and arrest to get things turned around. The person in the black robe says “YOU WILL…” and you know what, most often they do.
        It’s amazing how the idea of straighten up or spend time in jail gives motivation to do SOMETHING different, even if it’s the JUDGES fault, YOUR fault or ANYONE else who might be within earshot.

      • Viki

        Unfortunately, the judicial system and jails are over burdened. I thought for sure he’d get jail time for his last arrest. He was in direct violation of a court order banning him from the bar district he was arrested in, and this was his third disorderly conduct arrest. They simply fined him and said don’t do it again. I feel there are no consequences for his action unless I impose them.

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Generally, I’ve found it very positive when the courts jump in and impose consequences. They usually make something good come out of a bad circumstance. It’s too bad your jails are so full your husband keeps falling through the cracks.

  3. Viki

    And, why in God’s name do I continue to tolerate the pain in this relationship?

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Because you love him?

      • Viki

        It sure doesn’t feel like love.

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Love is tested in the hard times. It’s not always joyous or even pleasant. It’s often the hardest thing we can do.

      • Because you believe in him.

        Viki- believe in him. You are right for doing so. But know that when you hang around to watch someone, you’re really NOT believing in him. It’s like telling a small child “I believe in you” then holding their hand everywhere they go.
        Let go.
        Allow him to be without you. Allow yourself to be without him! Believe that he will change himself. That’s why you haven’t given up after all. It’s because you believe that something in him is capable of changing. And I believe you are right. Just because it’s not happening RIGHT NOW does not mean it won’t happen. And you don’t have to stick around to watch every single second between now and when he comes around to his better self.
        Work on your own happiness and go for days without thinking of him at all. Then, when you see him again- hopefully improved, you’ll know that you were right and you won’t have wasted time waiting around. You’ll be in a better spot and so will he.
        It’s not “giving up” it’s “giving over”.
        Just a suggestion.

        *Letting go is a integral part of loving someone.

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Finding a time and place to take care of yourself is always good advice. Thanks, Michelle

      • Viki

        At this point, I am with him because he doesn’t have a job and will have very little if I leave him. There is also a very real possibility that I would have to pay alimony, which I simply cannot afford without selling my home. I feel trapped. We have been married for 33 years, and he went to rehab in 2009 simply to stay out of jail. He was in AA for almost two years, but did not complete his fourth step. He relapsed and went on major drinking binges that resulted in a broken shoulder and extensive medical bills. His sponsor finally said that he wasn’t going to work with him any more because he didn’t want do what it took to get well. He has been dry off and on since then, but he has just been a dry drunk. In May he was arrested for at least the third time. There are usually other women involved. Seriously, I understand that he is a sick man, but how much of this must I keep taking?

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Sometimes when an alcoholic sobers up you find out their issues are more than just the alcohol. In these situations I recommend for them to get some good help from a counselor or therapist. It really can help.

      • Viki

        Counseling has failed during his sober period because he never opened up. I’m sure he has some deep-seeded issues from before we got together, and I have my suspicions about what they are. But, he has either repressed his memories or he just can’t bring himself to talk to someone else about them. While I have compassion for him, I have no desire to be a martyr. If he were a diabetic I would expect him to take his insulin and keep his doctors’ appointments. As a recovering alcoholic, my expectation is that he work the AA program, and he won’t. There are those who are never able to put this disease into remission. We’ve lost three AA members this year; one to a heroin OD, one to alcohol poisoning, and one just this week to suicide. I believe he is in this category. If he won’t at least ‘take his medicine’, why should I sacrifice myself?

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Counseling only works if you use it to open up and deal with the issues. I’m sorry about the losses in AA. Alcoholism is a serious and often fatal disease.

  4. kat

    I decided to start this commenting off as i have spent the day, we started on a road trip today, rod is excited ,( reason TO DRINK) SO HE DOES , HE TRIES TO HIDE IT I SMELLED IT AND SEEN HIM HIDE HIS GLASS, HE THEN SAYS HES GOING TO GET HIS SPONSOR WHEN WE GET BACK, excuse we got back to late which we did, , we go to a restaurant , he ask me if he can have a beer i feel since he ask i have the right to say no and not feel bad about it, i mean isn;t it like a smoker be polite , but see rod always ask in front of a waiter or bar tender to make me look bad , but i respond with this, the reason he ask me is because he knows i cannot stop , it turns his shame around, i do not pin him but pin myself this way he cannot make me feel bad for saying no , we got along good today, but there was couple issues, rod thinks i have control over the court case, he wants me to get him off so he always really nice to me, thinking i will make this go away but i told him , this will play out he did it so he needs to take responsibilty

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Maybe this would be a good place to insist on Rehab and Domestic Violence counseling. It’s what the courts going to require anyway.

      • kat

        I agree , and I have and he is going, and I am letting and asking the courts to insist on the counseling, Rod knows this, he is really a good man intelligent enough o know it has a hold on him , He has a long run , thank God Rod is not as bad as some I have heard, or seen, It has an ugly bite in life, it has a hold and i believe it was created by Satan leading us to the path of destruction as so many things, Marriage has always been under attack and for those to realize it, when you married did you have doubts at the altar? if not then stand by your man and pray to God and ask for help , it has to be read , ask for and learned , life has always thrown curves and i have always caught them , this to shall pass

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Good plan.

  5. Used to be called Sad, Now, SunShine

    Hello Kat. I have a question for you to ask yourself. No need to respond to me or anyone one else. It is for you.
    Do you love Rod more than yourself?
    Regardless of alcohol or anything, if Rod loved you he would not strangle or hurt you.
    You do have to look after you. Take one day at a time. Step by step to being where it is safe and healthy for you. Try not to think of what Rod does, as it is his life and choice. Your life is your choice, it is also your choice what you do and how you let things affect you. One day at at time. Best wishes.
    I too was physically hurt by my husband but got out and doing well despite all I have been through. We who have been hurt can help each other on the road to healing.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      I’m glad to see the change from Sad to Sunshine. Thanks for your support of Kat.

    • kat

      used to be sad /, the reason rod attacked me was not him, he was drunk beyond his own thinking, I took his motorcycle keys from him so he could not take off on, it so he wouldn’t be killed, I prevented a loss for all, family me and his family, the choking he did was out of anger not because he doesn’t love me, we all have dreams of what we want our other half to be, but it is not always so, the world itself can mold a human into something they are not or workers, my stem is from the Lord God almighty, and Rod loves him too, Rod is a decent man, don’t get me wrong and the only reason I am here on the site is to know and listen to different ideas, not focused on my husband every minute, in fact for years I let as said, him make his own bed, because of the all famous word , your controlling me, I let go a long time ago, you cannot control them , you cannot change them , they will fall, but you can protect them, I will not let him down by leaving him, God gives us trials, I f our God gets upset with divorce, and I expect a perfect him, then I would hate to have my Father in heaven upset with me, for he is perfect, to give advice you would have to walk in their shoes I am only stipulating my experience to help others possible everyone is different

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        I think your faith helps you make your decisions. Others may see it differently. I agree no one really knows unless you walk in the other person’s shoes. That’s why it’s important not to judge others.

  6. robin

    The why is mine to answer and currently I do not have one that works for anyone but me …I love him. I was not lied to or tricked into being in this with him ,we have no children together there is nothing but how I feel about him holding me here. If he had cancer I would be here, alcoholism is like that to me.What I do for Derek is between me and God, it would be impossible without God. we just are not done til its done. thanks for the read .

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      There’s no need to apologize for keeping a commitment with a person who’s ill, like Derek. I know you don’t hear that too much when it comes to alcoholism. I’m not here to judge those who leave because they just can’t stay but I will defend anyone’s decision to follow through with commitment with their alcoholic.

  7. Willow

    I can relate to going out and coming home and the time out is almost ruined because you walk into a home with a drunk person who wants to pick a fight. I see it for the low self esteem it is and the fear he has I am going to leave one day if he doesn’t fix himself. His words not mine. I see the addition and his denial of it. He can even turn arrests into other people’s faults from the police to people involved. Courts have yet to actually do anything and he seems to pass all the “are you an alcoholic tests” that are court ordered. Waiting for the most recent results. I see no value in the courts anymore when they do nothing but then even if they forced him into treatment would it be right? He has to want it to be able to change. So, like what was mentioned here, I believe in him. I remember the sober guy I married. I do love him. So I keep working on me and practicing my not taking it personal. I at one time when I would get really angry and felt like I hated him sat and wrote a list of things I am grateful for about him. Actually helped a lot. I figured if I couldn’t come up with anything it was time to go. lol Thank you to those who struggle and share here. I am glad to know I am not alone at times.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Sounds like you came up with a great exercise that many would benefit from. Taking some time to write down what you’re grateful about your alcoholic. You have to push past anger and hurt to actually do the exercise. That’s a good thing. Thanks, Willow for your comments.

  8. Ross

    I don’t know if i have any love left.married 23 years.many relapses, much loss mentally, emotionally, financially. I try to give him space to choose.seems he chooses the drink. i don’t have the strength to go like this. but i dont have the heart to divorce. which is where I’m headed f he insists on trying to turn the tables on me.He’s already done enough damage. why does he insist on more? sometimes I don’t know if i like him. i want to slap him for all the underhanded things he’s done to me-and then he expects me to lie down and take some more just to save our marriage while he doesn’t give more than an inch.I’m exhausted.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      I hear your emotional struggle. I’ve said a few times, love is tested in the tough times not in the great times. You stay their. You don’t wish him harm. Sure you’re angry at things he’s done but you hang in there. Maybe things will turn and he’ll find recovery.

      • Viki

        Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to live with an alcoholic for 23 years? As the alcoholic is often told in AA, everything isn’t about the alcoholic. In this disease the alcoholic thinks everything is about the alcoholic, and the spouse thinks everything is about the alcoholic. The spouse has to start thinking about herself, and if that means leaving, she needs to do it. There’s just as big a chance that he’ll find sobriety if she leaves, maybe even more of a chance because he won’t have the security of their relationship to keep him from bottoming out. If he finds recovery after they separate, then she can decide if she wants to reunite with him. The stress from living with someone with this disease can kill her just as easily as the disease can kill him.

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        I understand if you choose to leave. It may bring him to recovery. I’ve seen alcoholics lose everything even their families.

  9. Sunshine

    Dear FreeMyAddict Team, as per statement of ” just cant” stay with an abusive alcoholic who does not love or value anothers life. It is always easier for some in roles of supervision to justify the abuser/alcoholic/addict than stand firm in values that differ than the norm. All norm realy means is that many follow that norm, not that it is just or right. So the fact that many choose to drink only shows the worlds acceptance of taking the easier or excuse filled way. Maybe rather than showing the addict it is ok to do as they do to others, the firm message should be, it is not ok.

    There are many people in the world and no one person or group of persons has the right to assault,harm, endanger,abuse, … another. It is in the law for a reason. That being said regardless of some calling alcoholism a disease it is still the persons choice who does drugs or alcohol to harm another or do as they do. Compulsion can be eliminated if the person so chooses to. It is just much easier to not and accept the choice of continuing to do as the addict does. What the term genetic means is that through generations a family continues to do the same same things. That is how it becomes a weakness and predisposition. Not unlike a person loving sweets and it carrying on to the children by seeing such things done and liking the sweets,… In turn in a couple generations of peoples of a family doing such it becomes a genetic weakness to diabetes. Same same with alcohol or any other compulsion. Why did the person take that first drink? What has them so distraught that they feel they need to escape life by drugs or alcohol. Maybe once the person looks wholeheartedly then the road to healing can begin. As a doctor it is hard to see others choose as they do but even harder to see one in their life do so as well.

    To choose to stay or go should not be an issue other than to the person in the situation with the addict. What ever they choose is their choice for it is their life.
    Maybe staying is what they need at that time. Or leaving as well. LIfe is a journey and so to is the whole of any lifestyle or choice.

    Thanks for allowing others to share differing views, however it seems somewhat passive aggressive to say just cant stay as if it is the person leaving who is the bad one.

    As for any who above have said they dont think they love the addict now or from how they have being treated. Of coarse not. No one wants to suffer or be hurt and the love is not the addiction but what was originally loved of the person before the addiction. So yes we who have an alcoholic in our lives or past loved the original person before the addiction and cannot tolerate or even love what that person has become, has chosen to become. To stand with them or leave, well all I can say for my experience as an abused wife and doctor who has seen others- is regardless of your choice never forget you the spouse/sig other… has rights too and feel good about yourself. Look after yourself and hold your head high, you are important. Probably maybe on some level more important for you have to not only help you, children if you have them, but the addict too no matter whether you stay or leave.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      FreeMyAddict NEVER tells or recommends for a person to stay or leave. We stand for a ZERO tolerance for violence. When a person in themselves decides it’s in their best interests to leave then they must do what’s best for them. No judgment from us. If a person chooses to stay there needs to be the same acceptance of the choice from those around. That’s our position. There’s much more negative surrounding those who choose to stay than those who choose to leave. It’s a personal choice, based on individual circumstances and values. Who are we or you to judge another? We’re here to help not judge. Thanks for your comment.

  10. Sunshine

    Yes, equal compassion/help for family of addict (those that stay and those that leave to save their life) and the addict. For it is a strangely symbiotic relationship. To help one does influence the other.
    As to the statement of being much more negativity of those that stay, then are you not making one stand out more than the other which is negative in itself. Why not equal compassion no matter what one does? I on the other hand have noticed the opposite. Everyone was accepting of me staying and not accepting of me leaving.

    After all we are all sharing here and in that sharing helping ourselves and potentially others as well.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Sunshine, I think each person has to do what is best for them in their situation. It may appear at FreeMyAddict we give more support to those who stay. In fact, we leave it to the individual. There’s not much support anywhere available for those who choose to stay. We provide for that. We also know when you choose to leave you need support and we’re here for you. Please don’t take any judgment from FreeMyAddict because none is intended.

      • kat

        I agree freemy addict team, I chose to stay and feel really good about it because both of us are working on this problem, and yes EVERONE IS DIFFERENT, MY CASE THIER CASE, I am happy and comforted in this site for the tips and tricks whoever, for those of who chose to stay hoo ray! For I believe it is within us to survive, I am the type that does not run at every problem and maybe I would have if I was in a position where I had plenty of money, but then maybe God has me there so I don’t, but I do know this if not for sites like this I could not learn from others and hit the truth on the nail. Please continue don’t let me down for this site has helped me recognize a lot of issues for me and rod, and just too let everyone know I love my husband but he is an alcoholic,and i do have to deal with it just as i am sure he feels he has things to deal with me, together in this world we will survive, What example am i showing my children if i don’t stay in it, and starting over is the same , getting used to trends of each other, there is only one perfect man and it is Jesus Christ himself !, So all said i love all, and love to hear from all, but i did nto live your life, but just maybe I can help with mine ,take it or leave it

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        I like your tenacity. It really seems to work for you. I’m glad we can be here for you.

      • Viki

        Thank you, Sunshine. I couldn’t agree more. And, Kat, if you believe that my leaving after beatings in the early years, inappropriate relationships with other women, several arrests, showing up at the neighbor’s house nude because they have an 18-year-old girl in the house, etc., etc., for 33 years means that I am the type that runs at every problem, I respectfully take offense.

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        At FreeMyAddict we take a non judgmental view about the decision to stay or leave. I hope our readers will too. There’s no way to know what someone has gone through or what’s best for them. As always FreeMyAddict has a zero tolerance for violence.

  11. Ross

    I’m thankful for sites like these who can offer much needed help and understanding like not many others.Addiction is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I one day would like to help.But, alas, i think after going through the same things over and over again, i havent gotten my feet before another round came my way…I dont know when i will get to do that. I used to be one of those that not much would get me down for lon. But i feel i have been dragged down with him so to speak.I am in counseling and trying groups, but the depression and the fact that my mind cant take anyomore has placed me in a vulnerable position.I need more help and yet there arent alot out there.Nonetheless, thank you for your website and the compassion. If nothing else, your kindness makes me feel some better. I know its an overwhelming dilemna and you can only do so much.I’m grateful for your free services and emails. Since im not in a good place financially.God bless you!

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      We’re glad to help. You might want to consider a FMA Scholarship for Coaching Services. We do good work.

      • Viki

        Ross, I am so sorry for what you are currently enduring, and I pray that you find the resources you need to regain your strength. At one point I was suicidal, and it took a long time to get my strength back. Through anti-depressants, therapy, and Al-Anon, I made it, and I believe you can, too.

        Don’t be afraid to find different groups or counselors if the ones you’re using don’t seem to be helping. I’ve been to a number of counselors over the years, and have found that I didn’t relate to all of them. But when I found one I could connect with, the services provided were invaluable. I’ve also gone to all of the Al-Anon groups in my area, and found some that helped and some that didn’t.

        Take care, and I will continue to pray for you.

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Finding the right match for support and therapy is very good advice. As with anything you may need to shop around a bit to find the right match.

      • Viki

        Oh, my gosh, Ross, how could I forget my Higher Power?? Definitely couldn’t have made it without that!

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        It’s good to realize you can’t do it alone.

  12. Viki

    I think what really bothers me is that much is said about how to stay with the alcoholic, while it seems little is said about how to leave. All kinds of “tips and tricks” are given for those who choose to stay, but the only thing said to someone who contemplates leaving is, “I understand if you choose to leave.” You also say that you don’t “judge those who leave” but that you will “defend anyone’s decision to follow through with commitment with their alcoholic.” “Not judging” is hardly the same kind of support as “defending” someone’s decision. And the phrase “decision to follow through with commitment with the alcoholic” seems to imply that those who choose to leave are not living up to a promise they made, which is less than honorable.

    For me, leaving has been much more difficult than staying. MY addiction is to the alcoholic, and I suffer from withdrawal symptoms when contemplating leaving. “Getting Them Sober” by Toby Rice Drews does a very good job of describing what I’m talking about. While it is critical to gain the skills necessary to remain in a relationship you seem to be unable to end, it is equally important to gain the skills necessary to break yourself from the chains that are keeping you there.

    You say, “It’s really only when you expect something that’s not likely to happen that you get let down. It doesn’t make any sense to expect a turkey is going to soar like an eagle. After all… it’s a turkey.” This isn’t about getting let down to me. This is about having the strength decide what I will and won’t accept. The only ZERO tolerance I’ve seen here is when it comes to physical violence. Having suffered from both physical and verbal/emotional abuse, I would take a physical beating over an emotional one any day. The physical injuries have healed, but the emotional pain remains. I believe that a person has the right to have ZERO tolerance for being emotionally abused, too.

    This is not about trying to control the alcoholic’s drinking. If my alcoholic can treat our children and me with respect, keep his job, stay on the right side of the law, etc., while drinking, hooray! But I do have the right to say that I don’t expect him to drive while he drinks; that I expect him to be able to contribute financially to our household; that I expect him to be able to participate in family events such as our daughter’s bridal shower without becoming so drunk that she has to ask him to leave; that I expect him to refrain from inappropriate relationships with other women, etc.

    Teaching those who are in a relationship with an alcoholic to respect themselves enough to not accept unacceptable behavior is paramount. Teaching them how to stop screaming like a wild banshee (guilty as charged) and to calmly make their expectations and the reasons for them clear to the alcoholic is vital. And, teaching them that leaving an emotionally scarring relationship is not somehow less honorable than continuing with it is not only necessary, but it is the compassionate thing to do.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Thanks Viki, I DO appreciate your comments.

      • Viki

        Thanks :)!

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Your welcome

  13. Sunshine

    Well Kat, not only the Team here has had compassion for you. Seems you have not had abuse or physical injury with your alcoholic. So maybe you wont or are not there yet. If you had been physically/verbally.. brutalized maybe you would feel different. As for what message would you be showing your kids, well if no abuse has taken place you would be showing it is ok for alcohoic husband to be whatever it is he does do to you and them. If there ever has been any abuse then you are showing the kids it is ok for a person to abuse another… and only the alcoholic has rights. How do you think alcoholism continues on and on in some familys?
    Yes your choice is working for you. Try not to imply or say someone is weak if they leave or whatever you are trying to say. It is in the states of the familys own sickness from having so much happen and go on as a result of alcoholism that they can not see or care how they affect others. I do not take offense as you are on a journey that parallels sickness (alcoholic mate, …) but it would be positive in this journey to allow others to also have the freedom of choice free of negative judgement. People share and as I have done and the team has as well. Any relationship even one such as here has the aspects of communication. People meerly show how they see things and others reply. No attacks required or needed just open communication.

    Viki, Hug to you. Yes Kat seems fanitical in some aspects but she has lost her way and is trying to find it. She cannot understand what maybe she has implied or has taken offense due to where she is at. Hopefully she will come to understand we all who have had an alcoholic in the family suffer and need each others support. There are many ways to healing and there is no competition of the right/wrong ways. Just the personal journeys we have and what works from one moment to the next.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      FreeMyAddict doesn’t condone physical abuse nor does it accept tolerating mental or verbal abuse. There’s no question the emotional scars from verbal or mental abuse may last longer than a broken bone. Way too often there’s not much recourse within the legal systems to deal with verbal or mental abuse. If you’re physically abused there are safe houses and all kinds of support. If you’re mentally or verbally abused those same resources are not necessarily extended to you. This puts far more pressure on the recipient of verbal or mental abuse to garner the resources they need to stop the abuse. Should there be more help… YES. Until there is, there needs to be support for decisions made along the way to freedom from the abuse.

      It may be easy to say ‘just leave’ or ‘you need to stay’. Only the person going through the situation can adequately evaluate their situation and decide. Whatever that decision is, WE the collective community of support MUST stand by their decision without judgment.
      Viki, Kat and Sunshine…personal choices, what each one believes is their best choice. YOU ALL have the support of FreeMyAddict and I hope those reading and commenting.

  14. He is starting on his binge once again. He stops for a week or so because he gets very sick due to not eating and not taking his medication. He is an verbal abuser. I finally realized that it’s not me that he hates but himself. He has been in and out of rehab so many times this last time in June. He starts going to meetings a few times then he quits. I am 69 years young and he is 61. We have no intimacy. Why am I still here. I know if I leave I will have to work part time to make ends meet. We have a large dog 85pounds. If I go to a motel I have to come back to feed her. I am thinking of putting her down. I know I have to leave this madness. I need peace of mind. All he does is tell me get out this is my house. We will be married 3 years in November if we make it. I am going for counseling. Wow what a mess.

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Your alcoholic apparently wants recovery even though treatment hasn’t resulted in long term sobriety. I can assure you one thing. If your alcoholic doesn’t commit to AA or alternative supports following treatment there’s not a lot of chance sobriety will be maintained. It’s a commitment to doing what it takes to stay sober.
      The second part he MUST have to be successful is someone to be accountable to (it can’t be you), such as a sponsor. This person will be brutally honest about what they see happening.
      These are not guarantees of success but they go a long way to increase the odds.

      I’m not sure he can make you leave if you’re married. You might check with your lawyer… If you are married for a minimum of 5 or so years you may be entitled to half of everything. Be sure you get good counsel.

      You know Rika it you need to leave. Don’t be a victim of abuse.

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