3 Tips To Cope With Your Alcoholic’s Dishonesty

There’s a little proverb that goes like this.

The person who has one clock knows the time even if it may be wrong. The person who has two clocks never knows the time even if one is correct.

No one likes to be deceived or feel somone has lied to them.

All to often when it comes to your alcoholic there may be an unintentional dishonesty.

It would be easy to label your alcoholic as a chronic liar but when you take into account the illness of alcoholism the discrepencies from the truth become a little more understandable.

Often untruth is offered to keep their supply of alcohol or preserve the opportunities to use, nothing more or less.

In any regard what you need to have in place is a functional way to cope with your alcoholic’s dishonestty.

Here are a few tips.

Don’t take it personal

No doubt one of the hardest things in dealing with dishonesty with your alcoholic is to not take it personal.

In any relationship there’s the need to be able to count on or trust the other person.

With alcohol involved it seems there’s a very consistent betrayal of your relationship.

I’m not making an excuse for your alcoholic. There may not be a lot of intention behind misstatements or manipulations.

In fact you may only be the recipient of these targeted responses, but rarely the reason for them.

When you come to know this there’s a simple exercise you can do to cope.

In self talk remind yourself when your alcoholic’s trying to decieve it’s more about him/her than it is abount you.

You may find it necessary to do this more than a few times for it to be successful.

The reason this technique works is because it’s based on the truth.

Keep a journal

I don’t know if your much of a writer but when you deal with your alcoholic it may become a little complicated to keep up with all of the stories you’re being told.

When you keep a journal it’s possible to keep track of the many iterations of what’s been said.

Sometimes you may even find an element of truth in it all.

The journal is more than just a documenting of what’s been said, it’s an opportunity to express your emotions about the dishonesty.

Telling what you think to your journal may be much more productive than telling it to your alcoholic, especially if he/she has been drinking.

Change your expectations

When you expect your alcoholic to be honest and open you may be setting yourself up for a big let down.

Even though you may desire the relationship with your alcoholic to be based on honest and open communication, it may not be possible.

Your alcoholic may when sober express an intent to be honest and open but when alcohol’s introduced all of those great intentions go out the door.

There’s no need to blame your alcoholic. It’s far more important to try to understand.

Here is another way to cope with this dishonesty.

Only you can decide what you expect from your alcoholic.

If you maintain an expectation that’s very unlikely to happen, you will be constantly upset and hurt.

When you allow your expectations to match what you see in your alcoholic’s behavior, you’re no longer setup for this kind of hurt or emotional pain.

These tips are easy to do but much more difficult to keep doing.

My recommendation is that you try to incorporate them into your daily experience with your alcoholic.

The can make things work much better.

How have you learned to cope with your alcoholic. Let us know in the comment section below.


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Here’s What 8 Other People Thought...

  1. Ross

    I agree with what is written.I have been in recovery for codependency.I am amazed that i inwardly wanted my husband
    to make things right. I see I’d been waiting for it at times. I feel Ive waited too long.When i watch my expectations, it is much better. It is painful to deal with at times more than others.I dont know if i’d messed up tonight. He took me to the movies and we started talking on the drive home.I couldnt tell he’d been drinking, but realistically he had to have been.He explained he loved me deeply, buthe might have to divorce me for financial reasons. I’d told him that I dont think that seems right to divorce someone just because you want to avoid the consequences of your drinking and pass on the consequences on to me. I feel guilty.I dont know if I didn’t handle it right or if it was wrong timing or what.He left as soon as he had dropped me off.I miss him and feel bad about that too, after all he’s done. And at the same time, I understand he is sick.I dont have the strength to be so watchful after trying so hard to cope after all his relapses and then trying to live with him after he’d get clean.I so wanted him to fight for us, like Ive read some who’d get sober for fearing they’d lose their family/marriage.I am drained after it all..thanks,

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      I’m not sure if your husband is using divorce as a way to manipulate you to let him do what he wants to do or if it’s what he really thinks. Some people lose everything before they find recovery others lose just a little. I want you to know if he goes for divorce rather than recovery it’s not you it’s the disease of alcoholism.

      I hope you can look at what’s best for YOU in all of this. That’s what you must care about.

    • kat

      Ross I too am in the same situation, prayer hope faith has just depleted , how much are we suppose to take before we feel there is a fix, and my biggest concern is how now do I handle new relations with anyone I have been in this for so long I don’t know who I am, someone one day treated me so nice I haven’t heard in a long time man I want that again, rod goes to court oct 31 if this doesn’t change him I have decided myself to move on, it has affected our youngest daughter to where she had attacked me, she drinks now like her father , uses his nature, he saw it and defend her, I have had enough the Lord is telling me to wait, but I have to say at this pt I am ready , I have acquired credit cards to sustain me, I would have to get back into the working world, I owned a business but because of the economy it has depleted, I need a new start , fresh, I am so tired of all this I am ready to leave a home all paid off, no debt and get out, it is just too over whelming and it is costly to try and stay in a relationship of a partner that keeps sinking you from his illness, let him crash without me I am tired of carrying him, who’s going to carry me, no one but myself , like I said if there is not a change oct 31 I am divorcing rod

      • kat

        i might add , how can it be any worse

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        Going through it there seems like nothing could be worse. From my experience with this illness it is ugly and very destructive. You only can take care of yourself and make sure you don’t go under when your alcoholic makes poor choices.

      • FreeMyAddict Team

        It sounds like you have made a few decisions and plans to be prepared for what may happen with Rod. You have had success in business and I’m sure you can get a fresh start if needed. I’m sure you know you’re not alone in all of this. There are many who share similar struggles and understand your pain. Even when you seem to be at your wits end you also know your faith will sustain you. Thanks for your comments.

  2. I pray I can get some advice please?
    I fell in love with a man whom at the time did not tell me he is an alcoholic. He started drinking when he was 13 and now he’s 46. When I met him, he was literally in a man cave. He owned nothing but his car. I was his world when we first met! We bought a home together. However as time has gone on, the lies. Side stepping truth, pretending he does not remember things when I know he does, the constant need for money, and how my needs don’t matter, and I feel if he could sell everything of mine inc me he would. The negativity and lazness.
    Then I get Prince Charming!!! Whom he is a really decent person!!! Someone whom I would associate with!!! I’m told I’m his world!! That I have changed his life, that he wants the same future as me.
    However I do not understand this most of all; constantly watches programmes with very good looking woman on them- the dating programmes such as too much baggage, woman competing for men, the African program where the woman walk around naked! Then just the other day I walked out to his car and hidden was a porn DVD.
    I supported him to attend detox, and when he came out he broke, disappeared, forclosed our mortgage!!! Yes, with out me knowing!!! Slandered me to his family and friends!!! Talked to me about him having a new lady in our home and me moving out! Told me I was in a gang!!!! Yes really! Now he says he suffered psychosis and doesn’t remember any of this!
    I have had to refinance our beautiful home to save the equity in it!! I have 6 children.
    I don’t know what to believe anymore, the lies, promises, everything I do not feel respected, I have given this Man, so much time, support, encouragement, money, and I hate what the drink is costing ME! Yet I love spending “the good time with him”.
    Am I wasting my time? I am constantly stressed, constantly fixing problems off the back of drama and poor decisions the affect both of us, exhausted from losing my credibility, emotionally drained, financially drained and scared!!! It’s like it’s all about him, his needs and I don’t know what to do! I feel delusional as I know there is a good man in there! I just hate the dark side!
    He acknowledges that he needs rehab, and yes he does! But !!! Will his behaviour of other women, selfishness, deceit change? Just by been off the drink? I am 36 and really like any one would like a good man, to share my life with and have a future! Can he change, his behaviour even without the drink? Or do I except my loses, move out, and see if I matter from a distance?
    I am willing to support him, if he gets help, when I suggest Rehab, he acknowledges it, but does nothing, and I get frustrated! This is my first experience with an alcoholic and I apologise if I seem harsh, I am in love and care deeply about the nice qualities my man has, but I am also watching a trail of destruction and also how much longer do I wait? And the biggest question is even if he does stop drinking, what about the behaviour, especially his need to look at other women!!! Plus where is a future for us as a couple? Help please X

    • FreeMyAddict Team

      Obviously there are more issues here than addiction. I cannot assure you if and when he gets sober that he will become prince charming. He could very well be a person not at all the person you hope he would be. The best way for make this happen is to have an evaluation set up with a professional who is trained in addictions and co-occurring disorders. Make sure you have an opportunity to discuss your concerns about the other issues with the women. Sometimes people when they get rid of one addiction simply change their addiction. Here I’m suggesting alcohol to sexual fantasy (sex addiction). The professional should know how to help him with this as well.

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